on being spiritual

Being spiritual: this is been on my mind, and has come up in various contexts over the last few months. I am a Mennonite, a Christian, and this is undoubtedly important to me. Just how I go about "being spiritual" is something that I still haven't quite figured out though. I talked with some friends recently who are really struggling with this right now. We wondered why some people seem so spiritual all the time, and if it's really true that they are, how do they do it? We agreed that we all go through seasons of our spiritual lives.

I have had phases of my life where I felt very close to God, and prayer came naturally to me. At other times I have felt spiritually dead. I have had times where I was voraciously seeking to know more about God and have more a connection with God, but it didn't necessarily work. I have had experiences that clearly involved the hand of God that were so confusing and mysterious that I just didn't know what to do with them. I have continued to go to church throughout all of the seasons of my spiritual life so far, so I think that undercurrent of needing and wanting God in my life has been enough to keep that going. I know for many people who have struggled with faith and spirituality, church has not been helpful, and they have turned from it. I am grateful that I have continued to maintain a spiritual life, even with its struggles, and I need to believe that God is gracious.

The truth is, most of us must have these issues, but as a Christian it is hard to know how to deal with it. It leads to feelings of guilt that you're not good enough if you're not praying or reading the Bible all of the time or whatever. For some it even leads to questions about their salvation, wondering if they will really go to heaven.

My sweet, nearly 95 year old Grandpa has had some serious spiritual struggles recently. Last week one day he suddenly became so unsure about his salvation, and felt guilty about the way he has lived his life, so much so that he was having major anxiety and had to be briefly hospitalized. In my eyes, he is an honourable, wonderful man, who has made some mistakes in his life, but who has done lots of good things too. It breaks my heart to know he has struggled so much over this, and I don't imagine it's God's desire for him to feel this way either.

My friend Hannah recently edited and published a book of essays called "Jesus Girls: True Tales of Growing Up Female and Evangelical". I love it! It contains 22 essays by women who grew up in church and who didn't necessarily end up with the perfect textbook Christian life. I love that it tells the real stories of women, whether they stayed in church or not.

I think it's healthy to acknowledge that the church is not perfect, and just because you're a Christian doesn't mean that you will have a straight forward life without questions or problems. It seems like in so many Christian circles people mask what is really going on in order to appear as good Christians. I am so thankful that I have family and friends that are real and with whom I can be real too. I think God is cool with it too.